Reflections on suffering…

Disclaimer: Below is an excerpt from some recent journaling. I pass it on as food for thought, encouragement, and further pondering. Before I start getting comments wondering if I’m okay, rest assured, I am doing well filled with God’s promises and the sweetness of His Spirit. He is a good Father. We all face different trials, and though mine seem so minor in the grand scheme of things, they pose themselves as challenges none the less, poised to refine me and draw me close to Him. A marvelous mystery that such a fallen world would be such a perfect backdrop to uncovering great love…

“For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake
Philippians 1:29(ESV)

Because to you it has been given as a favour( given in kindness), on behalf of Messiah, not only to believe (have faith) in Him, but also to suffer (experience the painful expression or sensation) for His sake
Philippians 1:29 (The Scriputures)

There’s far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There’s also suffering for him. And the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting.
Phillipians 1:29 (The Message)

I’ve been kind of thinking through these verses – desiring more God but finding the door presented to me is one of suffering. I thought I was going after love, but I find myself here in this strange hall of fellowship. Interestingly enough, it seems this strange environment may prove to be like the verse above says, God’s great kindness. How interesting that suffering has been given this great gift of sifting my heart with precision and accruacy…of discovering the realities within. I marvel at this room around me, it seems uniquely overcast and yet light seems to live within it’s walls…glittering here and there, as if the walls were alive, breathing breathes of life…here and there…no rhythm, no pulse…sporatic waves of light flowing in the room of suffering. Here in this room I see great wisdom. Here in this room, pride seems to fall off like dust. Identity is given clarity here. There is no other god but God here, every will, every way within that has aspired to control, to save, to act apart from Him, is exposed. And suddenly the place of suffering is seemingly the safest, most truthful place I have ever found myself. And it is here that the Lord enters. It is here that He approaches with great secrets of His love. It is here, in His grace and mercy He has led me. For here I can not resist Him. And at last my heart can receive the one this it longs for. For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake…”

page 97

“Our Father which art in heaven, we Your children are often troubled in mind, hearing within us at once the affirmations of faith and the accusations of conscience. We are sure that there is in us nothing that could attract the love of One as holy and as just as You are. Yet You have declared Your unchanging love for us in Christ Jesus. If nothing in us can win You love, nothing in the universe can prevent You from loving us. Your love is uncaused and undeserved. You are Yourself the reason for the love with which we are loved. Help us to believe the intensity, the eternity of the love that has found us. Then love will cast out fear; and our troubled hearts will be at peace, trusting not in what we are but in what You have declared Yourself to be. Amen.”

from Knowledge of the Holy by A. W. Tozer

a little of this and that…

Mission Control. We started an after school prayer meeting for elementary kids this past January. It’s been a touch and go meeting with so many holidays and school days off, we’ve only actually met twice. But the two times we have met we had two kids come and truly pray and worship with insight. It’s been really encouraging for me, even the two times we’ve met, just to finally be praying with the kids after so much praying for the kids in the school. Please pray God would continue to raise up prayer warriors in the children and that kids would come!

Annual Colfax photos. Our family from Colfax, Il returned this year to offer family photos for the residents here in Cairo. It was another successful run and we had quite a few families, teens, and kids stop by for Easter photos. We thank the Colfax group so much for putting it all together – and I love all their creative ideas from the candy filled eggs to the bunny costumes, it was a fun and organized day. I especially loved getting to hang with some youngins and see the most precious little baby who is staying with a sweet foster mom I know. The baby is a little miracle, born with a crack addiction, she is getting stronger and healthier with the care of this precious woman. I was very inspired.

Beloved Patsy. Our beloved Patsy passed away last week to be with Jesus. Patsy may not be familiar to you, or many people in the world, but I have a feeling many will know her in heaven. She was a steadfast prayer warrior for many, many years. Born and raised in Cairo, she led a small prayer group that prayed for Cairo for 30 years. Her dedication truly paved the way for our entire staff to be here, we believe it! She spoke about Jesus with infectious passion and hope. When we heard the news last week, I was literally overcome with this awesome joy of knowing that she was with Jesus, this One that she had labored with for so long in this place of prayer. I just kept thinking now Patsy may be able to see all the ways her prayers impacted eternity and how awesome that would be! I am thankful for her and continue to celebrate her sweet life and the wonderful promise that we have in Jesus!

Random. I started tutoring a 2nd grader a few weeks ago and decided to order some used homeschooling books. When they arrived in the mail, it was like Christmas. And I am having much fun watching this little one learn. She continues to teach me how much the Lord much love watching me learn, though sometimes I don’t give Him the same adorable giggle when I figure something out…but maybe I should.

I’ve been enjoying joining my roommate on a journey to better health. At the school she teaches at the faculty are doing their own “biggest loser” challenge. So we’ve been working out together and trying new recipes. It really has been good for me to think more about healthy eating habits and to be consistent in working out, though I will say that the Biggest Loser DVD workout is insanity. But effective.

Also, I am very fond of this springtime weather, and hope it lingers for just a little while longer.
thank you.

Inspiration…

more about "Inspiration…", posted with vodpod

I love the above video. It reminds me of kids here and the love of God we pray they experience, even at school.

Would you pray today that the children of Cairo would experience His love in the schools?

I returned Tuesday to receive a formal apology from my unruly kindergartners. The classroom was so eerily quiet and in order. ) It was good to talk to the teacher and she filled me in on what had happened to the class as a result of their behavior last week. They spent the whole day silently at their desks, gave their PE time to the class next door, ate lunch silently alone, and were given notes to give to their parents. I asked her if it would be alright for me to come back and hang out, watch her handle the class and see how she makes it work. She said I was welcome anytime, just to drop in, and was excited. Honestly it was really like receiving a hug from the Lord because in the midst of visiting with the class she said something like this…”I hope to God they didn’t scare you off from teaching because we desperately need teachers who are nice and kind like you, who love the kids, especially here in Cairo, I hope they didn’t ruin you for coming to Cairo – when are you applying to teach?”

There were several encouraging things in the midst of what she said, I was certainly flattered that she thought I was capable to teach and all, but the kicker for me and the hidden gem from the Lord was when she said “we need nice teachers.” This may not seem so epic, and certainly shouldn’t infer that there are a lack of nice teachers here, but prior to both of my last subbing jobs, the advice I was given was “Whatever you do, don’t be nice.” Granted, I understand this is Cairo code for “don’t let them walk all over you.” And I never have that intention, and certainly have much to learn about discipline and managing a class, but I have often felt that my propensity for gentle loving kindness was a weakness in teaching kids here. I know I’m different. I have a very big mother’s heart for kids, if you give me 5 minutes with a kid, I will want to mother them – root them a little in truth and Christ, I want to nurture, that’s just how it goes. I want to hug and giggle and imagine and dream and laugh with kids. I want to discipline them too, I just have a hard time with “Cairo style” discipline, but it seems so ingrained in culture here, it’s like, where do you break in with something new?

For months now I’ve been praying as I go to the schools for a shift in the atmosphere, that kids would experience Isaiah 61 – the broken hearted would be healed, the truth would be proclaimed, and captives would be set free. I hear the yelling all the time, and last week when I saw myself screaming at children all day, all I could think was…I gave in. I did just what I have been praying against for months. And that, honestly more than anything, broke my heart. I have had this constant irk inside that says, “there must be a better way…”

And as I sit here writing I just keep thinking it’s love that covers a multitude of sin…it is love, in the end that conquers all. And one of the most powerful aspects of love, is it’s staying power. I may not have the most authoritative voice or presence, but maybe the quiet steady flow of loving kindness is effective in overcoming the grips of darkness. Maybe in the gentleness and patience, the atmosphere will change. When the teacher said they needed teachers like me, it was like Jesus saying, “I know how I made you, and I know where I’ve placed you, and my wisdom is good.”

So often I feel like a little dancer who showed up to her recital and goes on stage with the completely wrong costume on…everyone else is ready for tap dancing and I’ve got my ballet shoes on. I look to the Lord and think, “how am I supposed to dance with them like this?!” And He simply says, “Dance. I have choreographed this one perfectly to My liking.”

Looking for an eternal quarry.

I’m nestling into my room with a mug of warm malted milk with a touch of honey and a delicious all natural homemade fruit and nut bar and find myself thinking again about this community I call home.

Today was a rough day. Not because of anything that happened today, but rather because of the mental residue of things that have happened over the past couple weeks in the schools. I found myself today teetering on the emotional fence between weeping and screaming, and rather unfortunately, found myself unable to do either. It was a day of wrestling with the Lord and wrestling with myself, and in the end the cry of my heart was simply, “Please come, Jesus.”

I’ve had a couple of subbing jobs in the past two weeks that, if I let them, might discourage me from teaching all together. The first was a 6th grade class in which the students went from calm to an all out mob fist fight in about 3 seconds. Two suspensions and a very shaken sub later, I found myself simply grieved that this was normal for them. And I hate that. I hate it with a vengeance that this is just “how it is” for them. These students resign themselves to this “normalcy”. And I just want to scream. Or cry. Or shake them out of this delusion that this is what they were created for.

Fast forward to this past Friday. I was excited to have another Kindergarten gig. As you might recall from blogs past I had a rather idyllic day subbing the Kindergarten before. When the 6 year olds themselves hand you a whistle and the microphone, I guess you should know there’s another thing coming. Long story short, I’ve never screamed so much in my life, into a microphone, no less, as if me yelling at the top of my lungs isn’t enough! And I’m so not a yeller. There was no teaching involved, it was chaos control all day. Three kids were sent to the office, one kid got sent home. I couldn’t even make it through reading one story book for lack of respect. One kid punched another in the nose during recess and then cussed out one of the teacher’s aide like a full blown sailor. The entire day was discipline, I’m even trying to remember if I smiled at all. Sigh. I hate that. Even the popcorn that was set aside for snack was stolen by the end of the day.

I was slightly consoled by the other faculty encouraging me that this is the hardest Kindergarten class, and even some of them had subbed the class before and were scared to do it again, but even so, it grieves me. I know there are things going on at home, things going on in their families for generations, sin and sickness and suffering all trailing down into the lives of these 6 year olds and all unleashed everyday in that classroom. It’s a battle zone. And the demons are having a hay day. And I just want to scream. Or cry. Ugh. It doesn’t have to be this way!!!

I have been wrestling with this notion of how to establish a foundation on Christ for this generation. How do you remove them from the quicksand they find oddly comforting and plant them on the Rock?! How do you unwind them from anger and confusion and lies and sinful desires and reveal to them TRUE LIFE? How do you have any impact on these ones when you are that white girl who appears so easy to walk all over? Why would anyone listen to anything I say? Lord?!

And God’s resounding answer is simply this:
“ The LORD kills and brings to life; he brings down to Sheol and raises up.
The LORD makes poor and makes rich; he brings low and he exalts.
He raises up the poor from the dust; he lifts the needy from the ash heap to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor. For the pillars of the earth are the LORD’s, and on them he has set the world.
“He will guard the feet of his faithful ones, but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness, for not by might shall a man prevail.
The adversaries of the LORD shall be broken to pieces; against them he will thunder in heaven. The LORD will judge the ends of the earth; he will give strength to his king and exalt the power of his anointed.” 1 Samuel 2:6-10

The Lord will do it. Only the LORD will do it. Only the Lord CAN do it.
I want an eternal quarry…full of rocks to build a foundation for a generation who will stand up and say “no more, from now on I serve the Lord. From now on I am blessed and not cursed and I declare it and claim it for every generation that comes after me.”

Jesus is the only rock necessary. I must take my weeping and my screaming and enter into the place of eternal influence, the throne room, the prayer room. And cry out, “Jesus, please come.”